Numb

My first ever experience with temporary paralysis. Now I know how it feels like for people with this sort of condition. It is sad. It makes you think of the good things you have going in your life. I should be thankful and grateful, instead of whining and taking a lot of things for granted all the time. How have I felt this? Just recently, I went through a minor operation and was given a spinal anesthesia. This is how they go about it: First they adjust you into a fetal position with the help of male nurses to hold you down so you don't move a muscle. Then they clean your lower spine. Then you feel a sudden prick. They turn you over very quickly and alas, you start the process of becoming numb from the waist down. In my case since I was so new to it, it felt like it started from my chest down. The Doctor talked me through all the symptoms (and my body was going through with it as she spoke). Starting with a sensation of electricity, and then pins and needles, and then finally a heaviness and numbness that became unbearable I almost panicked. I even could not feel like I was breathing. I told the Doctor this and she said, "You are, your stomach is moving up and down." I lifted my head to check and to my relief I was breathing. As I was laying there helpless and in chills, the lower half of my body feeling like a slab of raw meat, it got me thinking that I should have opted for sedation instead. Maybe sleeping was a better way to go. I chose this because of the fear in my head of not waking up. At that moment then, I thought that I would rather have felt some sort of pain than not feeling anything at all. I begged the nurses to talk to me as I felt like my mind was going inwards again with useless thoughts and my heart felt like it was palpitating. A sign that meant a panic attack was going to happen. I kept looking at the monitors just a little bit above my head for a sign if I was. My heartbeat and blood pressure were normal. Again, it was all in my head. I tried to focus on breath. It took every will power I had to surrender to the situation instead of fighting it. Blessedly, the operation was done in only 20 minutes and now I was being wheeled into the recovery room.
As I lie now in the recovery room left with my thoughts, I tried moving my toes. Not yet. The Doctor said it will take about 3 hours before the anesthesia wears off. I wanted to get some movement going just thinking it would wear out faster if I did. No such thing. All it felt was nearly impossible and very exhausting. I had nothing to do but wait it out. And again my mind was playing dumb tricks on me. I had to fight out the stupid thought of "maybe the anesthesia might not wear off' thought. Not only that, I was thinking of wanting to go home so badly already and be at the comfort of my own bed. I was thinking of wanting to see my husband. I was wishing that I didn't have to go through this at all. I was thinking of a lot of things unnecessary. My mind was already out there in the future as opposed to staying where I was then. Thoughts like those didn't help. They just made time slower. Now the numbness was beginning to disappear starting from my stomach. And then suddenly I felt some movement that started in my right toe and then my right leg. It took little longer for it to happen to my left toe and then my left leg. The last to come back was the feeling in my buttocks area. I was so happy. Next thing you know my stomach was growling and I could feel like I could sit up. Thankfully, the nurse propped my bed up and served me my lunch. I ate hungrily. I realized I hadn't eaten since last night. The procedure calls for you to starve starting from 12 midnight until the morning after the operation so as you don't vomit with the anesthesia. Another few more hours went by. I was able to pee (on a bedpan by the way and which is required or they don't let you leave) and then I was able to stand, and then walk to the bathroom to change. I was wheeled out of the hospital and into the car and then finally on the way home.

I was back home now and in my bed. I was sore but thankful that the day was over. I was getting spinal headaches as they call it, but it was normal. All I had to do was to lie flat without a pillow for a few days to normalize everything.

In a way, I look at this experience as a blessing. It certainly opened my eyes. One should never take their bodies for granted. We were only given one. And to show much gratitude, One must always take the effort to protect one's health and nourish it. I feel lucky and truly blessed that I can walk and feel things normally. I should always be happy for the countless graces I am given by God. I am thankful to Him always for another day in my life.